- Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
- Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
- Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
- A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- The longer the title the less important the job.
- Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
- Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
- I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
- No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
- Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
- The real reason women live longer than men because they don’t have to live with women.
- Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- We buy things we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t know.
- I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!
- I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
- A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
- My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- When in doubt, mumble.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
- There is a great need for sarcasm font.
- Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
- I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
- If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
- After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
- Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
- Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.
- Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.
- They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
- If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
- By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.
- We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes pr hour
- Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
- I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
- People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
- I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
- Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it craps on your head.
- Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
- Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!
- I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
- There are no winners in life…only survivors.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
- The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
- I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it?
- The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
- There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
- I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
- We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
- If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
- How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
- I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
- To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
- Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
- Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
- Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
- The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
- If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
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